I'm stupid.

I keep extending myself over and over and over again, hoping, praying that he still has it 4 me. I've rewinded and pictured every moment we've spent together, every picture taken, every solitary phone call and conversation...they replay like a broken record in my head...in my heart. I'm tired of thinking about it, yet there's something about him and a hope about us, that just keeps me goin...it just keeps persisting. I'm tired of blowing people off because they don't match up to HIM...When am I gonna learn that he may not be coming back? When am I gonna learn that he's moved on? When am I gonna let go? What the hell is wrong with me?

Shelly told me that when someone shows you who they really are...believe them. People don't change overnight, and I think its silly 4 me to think that people change and evolve in the same pace that I do...So I won't

I guess I'll talk here, since talking to people has proven to be stupid and cause nothing but pain and drama...

I'm reminded of times where I didn't trust people, and thought that all human beings were liars, cheats, and horrible creatures. College changed that view in ways, but it also made my way of thinking more concrete with every person who I trusted leaving my life at some point.

I get it. People talk. I talk 2, but the difference between me and other people is that I'll never do the things to others that they've done to me. I'll never do it...I'll never be that type of friend to someone else, and I'll never be fake. Fake 2day or fake 2morrow. It's just not in me.

I'm trying to figure out and evaluate why the dumbest things happen to me. Is there something wrong with me where I can't pick and choose who I'm close to and confide my secrets in? Do I have a problem with opening up to soon and being 2 caring? I never ever thought those were things that were wrong with me...never. But I'm forced to figure out whats wrong with me, that way I'll know how to handle or hopefully prevent this crap from ever happening again.

On another note...How do you get over someone? It's usually with the passing of time that I've ridded my mind of past loves (or loves I've hoped to have), but it's so weird how this one still enters and passes through my mind constantly. I want to be rid of these constant feelings and dreams of what I hope will come to past, but things don't normally happen the way I want them to.

I wish I could be closed off and quiet and untrusting like a was in high school. Things were so much easier then, way simpler than they are now. I see and know people who are stand offish and private, and I wish I could be just like them in a way. But then I'm forced to think what would life...my life...be like? Would it be lonely? Would I long 4 companionship? Thats no different from what I feel now, and I'm not like that...

One of my favorite movies had a quote that carefully depicts what I'm going through..."I don't know why your heart doesn't do what your mind tells it..." This can be said for everything, and for all of my relationships...Why doesn't you're heart do what you're mind tells it? I've told myself time and time again to let it go...Let go of all those wishes and dreams and start living 4 now, 4 my reality and everything it holds. But it's hard and a lot easier said than done...

Don't you know I've tried and I've tried to get you out my mind
But it don't get no better as time goes by...
I'm lost and confused, don't got nothing to lose...
Hope 2 hear from you soon...

Ps. I'm still not over you...

D'Onna LeSean